Following many many requests....(Well in my head anyway)...I have found the complaint letters 'referred' to in the Horsing Around post.
The somewhat surreal, short sighted Mr Bewildered and his constant battle with the complaints department, of an on-line catalogue company, who he feels are sending him poorly described products!
He is currently teetering on the edge of a Sherry addiction and is oblivious and ignorant to the fact that, his long suffering Valium induced wife Muriel, is quite possibly having an affair with the local GP (doctor)
**He does waffle on and has a habit of going off on a tangent before he gets to the point of the complaint; so I will post a page at the time to spare you the pain.
To.Whom it may concern
Complaints Dept.
I Cant Believe It Works Ltd
Po Box IOU-ZERO
Europe 5th June 2011
Re: Fan Assisted Tumble Dryer and Grill
Dear Sir/Madam
I am writing to convey my dissatisfaction of one of your products I purchased not 24 hr earlier.
With the knowledge that my dear wife Muriels birthday was fast approaching I decided that I should invest in a suitable gift, that may assist her with her daily chores.
I must point out Muriel is not as sprightly as she once was and is currently on medication, for something that our GP Dr Suave diagnosed as, 'Domestic Stress Disorder'
Unfortunately, I am not privy to the contents of Medical Journals and their like, but to summarise the contents of her personal letters, from Dr Suave, I am led to deduce it is a condition brought on by an Irritable Spouse.
Further reading indicates that this Spouse thing, is a thick and mainly dormant membrane,which I believe is connected, in some shape or form, to her bowels; as I do note a comment relating to it causing a regular 'Pain in the Backside!' when inflamed.
But I digress Sir..
Taking into account Muriels ailing health and the increase in my workload around the house. Where I may add I am not far short of becoming a full time carer for her. Indeed only last week I recorded 7 separate occasions where my requests for some sustenance, be it food or indeed drink, were met with a sharp retort of 'Do it your bloody self!"
The sheer venom in Muriel's once angelic voice, is testament alone to the severe pain she must be experiencing from this irritable spouse.
I have I may add, out of common decency, NOT included the actual expletives used by my dear wife in her moments of agony. But I would be inclined to conclude that side effects from her medication, may be causing a bout of temporary Tourettes Syndrome.
This was to be expected, as I do recall on reading Dr Suave's follow up letters to Muriel, he states quite boldly, that, and I quote, "I am surprised that you haven't told the useless lump to F**k Off, on many an occasion."
I too am surprised, but I am comforted by the resilience shown by Muriel, whilst fighting this condition. ......
To be continued...later this week.....'at last'
Tuesday 5 March 2013
German Cockroaches are as German as a London Bus
Another of my Pest Control Blogs from my youth (well 5 yr ago at least)
German Cockroaches: As German as a London Bus!!
They may or may not survive a Nuclear War, but process in which The German Cockroach and its pals gained their names, quite possibly is the saviour of Civilisation as we know it!! A bold statement by all means, but read on dear guest as you may just gain respect for these tiny pests.
There are over 3000 species of cockroaches yet only 5 species are focused on within the weighty World Health Organisation, catchily titled: Public Health Significance of Urban Pests. Blattus germanica the German Cockroach is one member of this elite group.
It is reported that back in the 17th century they possibly entered Europe with Marco Polo or along early trade routes. Southeast Asia is its most likely origin since its relatives are common around pig sty’s in the outer islands of Hong Kong.
And since live pigs were often kept on exploration ships during long trips, this cockroach became associated with man and travelled around the world. It was formally named by a chap called Linnaeus and probably was around in Germany for quite a while before the name was applied.
However, as with many century-long feuds and battles between countries, the cockroach has been used as an inadvertent insult to a sworn enemy. Or due to general ignorance about the cockroach, rumours about dirt and disease spreading evolved as facts.
Did you know, in Germany it is sometimes called “Die russische Schabe”, The Russian Roach. In Russia it is called the Polish Roach. Yet in America it was originally called the Crotton Bug because it came to NY about the time the Crotton Aqueduct was built; which was pilloried in the papers because it took so much land by eminent domain.
But the now called American Cockroach, Periplaneta americana (our chap Linnaeus named this in 1758) likewise is another misnomer; since it probably originated in North Africa before becoming a world traveller. It most likely reached the Americas during the early slave trade.
As history repeats itself, we have recently seen comparisons with the increase in Bed Bug activity across Western Europe and America. This has amongst other names been labelled the east European Bed Bug with no credence whatsoever.
Ignorance is Bliss. Without conjecture and rumour in our daily lives, the media would fold, old women would have nothing to say over the garden fence and we no longer would have the opportunity to snigger at the not-so-discreet bitching in the office or on the bus. What a boring world we would live in, Civilisation may possibly collapse.
So thank heavens for the poor old German / Polish/ Russian / call it what you like Common old cockroach! And than god for the misinformed science of a chap called Linnaeus, who, if he was still up to his tricks nowadays, would probably be spending most of his life in the Libel Courts.
What Lies Beneath
Many moons ago in my other life as a Pest Controller for Rentokil, I was chosen to add content to their blog.
So I thought it only fair that I transfer them over to here, to prove that I was indeed a sensible professional person.......once!
Hope you enjoy. This one is from 2009, blimey time flies!
What Lies Beneath (2009)
So I thought it only fair that I transfer them over to here, to prove that I was indeed a sensible professional person.......once!
Hope you enjoy. This one is from 2009, blimey time flies!
What Lies Beneath (2009)
They say you are never more than a few metres from a rat these days. I recently had the displeasure of proving this fact to a client in a most shocking way. In 10 years within the industry I thought I had seen most things and I am therefore not easily shocked. However, during a recent survey of a domestic dwelling, a trainee surveyor and I discovered a novel yet alarming nesting site.
Our client had called reporting rats running in his house. He had called in the local council but was not too impressed with their approach to the situation, and he therefore requested a second opinion. When we arrived the elderly gentleman spared no detail as he proceeded to explain the situation to us.
We inspected all corners of the property to determine if the rats were just using the property for their food shopping or if they had bigger plans to set up residency in the flat.
photo courtesy of http://raggyrat.blogspot.co.uk/
It did not take long to find evidence of nesting! As we looked behind the sofa that the chap was happily sitting on, we noted a lot of debris which resembled chewed foam and fabric. The gentleman got up to allow us to pull the sofa out from the wall.
As we did, a rather large well-fed Rat jumped out from within the frame of the sofa, ran directly over the trainees feet, much to his shock and my amusement. It then darted across the floor and down a hole in the floor it must have made earlier.
On further investigation, we discovered that the rats had not only built a nest under the seating area of the item, their entrance and exit was approximately 2 inches away from the gentleman normally parks his bottom! We asked the chap “were you not aware of any signs that this may have been going on” to which he replied “Well, I did feel some movement underneath my seat last night but just presumed it was a touch of wind!!”
It seems that with reports in the press of increases in rodent activity, it would appear that they are not satisfied with intruding into our homes to steal our fruit and bread, they are now brazen enough to become flat mates and then have the cheek to insist on sharing our creature comforts too. How long before they gain control of the TV remote control?!
On a happier note, we cleared that rat problem and by working together with our Hygiene Division, we utilised a Drain Inspection Camera which located the source of the infestation: a broken mains drain beneath the property.
We cleaned his sofa and removed all the dangerous bacteria and even got him a quote from an upholsterer to repair the damage. Pests eliminated, source found then sealed and everything returned to its original state. One happy customer. Plus an even happier trainee technician with an experience he will re-tell down the pub for many years to come.
So next time you feel a vibration in your seat, just ask yourself : “Are you sure that was just a loose spring?”
Monday 4 March 2013
Horsing Around
OK so some may say this is old news, though as every new day dawns a new food based scandal lands, literally, on our breakfast tables.
Mass panic in the streets to a level never seen since....at least last year, when it was rumoured that Boris Johnson was to chair the North Korean Peace Talks!
Horse-meat in pies, horse-meat in cakes, horse-meat in ...a 'Horse!' god forbid; ah but you get the gist.
The corporate blame game is in full swing with the buck being passed quicker than a coin swallower on Dioralyte!
But there is a simple answer. It comes straight from the 'Ryan Air' School of Business Methods.
It is simple, straight forward no nonsense, tell you to your face in a like it or lump it - we couldn't care less if it upsets you fashion.
All food containing meat will now be packaged in a non specific non committal fashion.
The label should read: ..
Ingredients:
70% Meat (Source= non specific from the genus of Mammal, Reptile, Bird, Amphibian, Arachnid, Homosapien and / or other ) May contain derivatives of one or more of the following;- beef, pork, lamb, horse, chicken, gerbil, earthworm, hedgehog, budgie, an old vagrant etc.
WARNING May contain nuts, (Horses Nuts, Vagrants Nuts etc etc.)
This will remove the potential for the weary consumers to legally protest.
No more shall we hear the likes of the following complaint letter ever again.
Letter of Complaint 1
Dear Sir
I am writing to convey my dissatisfaction of one of your products purchased not 24 hr earlier.
With the knowledge that my dear old mother was to visit my home for some Sunday Dinner, I decided that such a joyous occasion would merit a special meal using only food of the highest calibre. No scrimping on cost, only the best for a lady of 92 years who still has all her own teeth.
After much consultation with the rest of the family and browsing your on line shop, the dish was agreed. I subsequently completed my order via the web and awaited delivery.
The following morning the delivery arrived ahead of schedule, at this point I would have complimented you on such a speedy delivery service, however what followed next reminded me that I should have recognised the warning signs earlier.
When I remarked on the speed of the delivery vehicle, your driver replied with a somewhat wry sideways smile, that, and I quote: "You'd be amazed at the horse power contained in that van Sir!"
A flippant remark which didn't register at the time but, seems somewhat poignant now!
I took the ingredients including this fine expensive meat joint, into the kitchen where my trustee oven had been eagerly waiting to welcome its new arrival into the warmth of its preheated oasis.
NB: This I must point out, the oven in question is my replacement oven, finally received after several months of complaints to your electronics department. I refer you to my correspondence of the 5th of June 2011, under the heading of
"Fan Assisted Tumble Dryer With Grill!"
Though resolved now, I must add that my poor wife is still on the medication and we never did retrieve her girdle!
But I digress...back to the point in hand.
After what seemed like hours and 1 whole packet of plasters later, I finally succeeded in removing the somewhat impossible packaging with the help of a rather rusty Stanley Knife and a few nips of Sherry for my trouble,
I was about to cover this larger than expected meat joint with my special home made herb infused glaze, which now, in hindsight would have been more suitable if the Olive Oil had been replaced with Linseed Oil!
I noticed that the joint had a wonderful bronzed coating to it and therefore, I presumed, was ready seasoned and basted. I therefore proceeded to open the oven door, which again I must say is easier to use now that I do not have to wait for the 'drying cycle' to complete before the door unlocks.
I refer you once again to my previous letters ."Thermostat problem?: White wash comes out Pink in the middle!" And I must point out your comment re, Specsavers was most uncalled for!
As the joint was somewhat larger and of an odd shape, I had to remove all shelves first and then squeeze the beast in. Which I must add could only be done with the help of my elderly mother.
Though we succeeded, it was only much later that I realised the reason for her sudden stoop in posture, was not caused by the onset of a mini stroke, but actually due to her plastic hip having actually melted and become bent due to her close proximity to the oven whilst assisting me earlier.
Anyway, as per the cooking instructions, 2.5hrs passed by somewhat quickly helped in no short way by my consumption of half a bottle of sherry and watching mother walking round in a somewhat constant small circle due to the malfunctioning hip implant.
At last the bell of the oven heralded the completion of our dinner preparations. I removed he joint from the oven, trembling under the sheer weight of it I nearly collapsed.
If it was not for my mother passing by, fortunately having moved closer to the kitchen.
Only after completing 436 mini doughnut turns and removing 4mm of laminate layers from the now worn down wood flooring in the process.
I was able to rest the oven tray on her back, as her spine now stands at a handy 45 degrees from the horizon.
This I may add caused her no noticeable pain or suffering due to the loss of feeling caused by her sciatic nerve fusing to her molten hip hours earlier.
The slight warmth she did feel from the bubbling hot tray actually may have eased the muscle around her lower spine, so every cloud as they say...
At last with table adorned with all manner of finery including the best china, the Sunday best silver cutlery and striped fabric napkins, we all sat down to eat.
I must point out that striped napkins would not have been my first choice but was all we had following the damage caused by the new rapid dryer unit we purchased last year.
I refer you to my previous letter.
Table Top Dryer Unit: No settings for napkins, will the option for crumpets suffice?
I must protest at this stage that the use of the phrase 'Short Sighted Baffoon' in your reply was not helpful. and your comment that 'everyone knows' Breville are famous for their Sandwich Toasters was condescending, we are not all experts on the history of manufacturers and their electric goods.
Not to be sidetracked again....
Dinner was served, though to say carving was somewhat difficult would be an understatement! I had to resort to using the new Black and Decker Veg Trimmer.
A very powerful utensil which is a great addition to the kitchen knife draw, that is it would be if it could fit, as being much larger than it looked in your catalogue.
It has to be stored in the shed! I refer you to a separate letter on this item which will follow in due time.
I commenced carving, not without incident, I hit a few snags when cutting through what I presumed were bones and assisted by my somewhat blurred vision courtesy of a newly opened bottle of sherry. It resulted in one cracked window and a broken hearing aid, caused by a ricochet hitting mother in the left ear. But I persevered and we managed to plate up and at last tuck into this delightful meal.
Though be it via somewhat unconventional seating arrangements. Mother sitting on table with her dinner plate on the chair due to the ever changing angle of her curved spine, the wife ate her dinner in the ball pond on the patio due to disorientation caused mainly by increasing her medication as the day wore on.
What happened next I can only summarise due mainly to my memory becoming a tad foggy which I can only put down to being a mixture of 1.5ltrs of consumed sherry and the inhalation of diesel fumes from the Veg Trimmer!
Dinner, it may shock you to discover was a disaster! I am complaining to you not as a result of the unsuitable electric items I have purchased from your web site, not because my wife refuses to leave the ball pond and is now consuming thrice the medication she used to.
Not because my poor mother is now deaf in one ear, has one leg larger than the other and has such a deformed frame that we need 2 nurses and a spirit level to dress her, not because I am now a raging alcoholic with craving for sniffing exhaust pipes, but,
BUT! Because your labelling on your meat produce if unacceptable, the ingredients stated are not what was contained within!
When I purchase a 'Saddle of Lamb I do not expect to be roasting the 'Saddle off a Dam'.
When it states the source is from 'Herds grazed on heather' I do not expect to see 'The words Dobbin emblazoned on leather!'
When your produce claims to be the high end quality option, I expect this to be like 'Tescos Finest Branded Range' and not as I discovered Fresco's Finest Equine Branded on the Range!!'
I therefore expect a refund for the food purchased and the cost of a set of dentures for mother, as her original 'own teeth' we last seen flying out the window towards the dogs kennel after she took an almighty bite into the saddle. I fear we will never retrieve these now the dog has took a liking to them.
Yours Frustratedly
Mr Bewildered
Northants.
Mass panic in the streets to a level never seen since....at least last year, when it was rumoured that Boris Johnson was to chair the North Korean Peace Talks!
Horse-meat in pies, horse-meat in cakes, horse-meat in ...a 'Horse!' god forbid; ah but you get the gist.
The corporate blame game is in full swing with the buck being passed quicker than a coin swallower on Dioralyte!
But there is a simple answer. It comes straight from the 'Ryan Air' School of Business Methods.
It is simple, straight forward no nonsense, tell you to your face in a like it or lump it - we couldn't care less if it upsets you fashion.
All food containing meat will now be packaged in a non specific non committal fashion.
The label should read: ..
Ingredients:
70% Meat (Source= non specific from the genus of Mammal, Reptile, Bird, Amphibian, Arachnid, Homosapien and / or other ) May contain derivatives of one or more of the following;- beef, pork, lamb, horse, chicken, gerbil, earthworm, hedgehog, budgie, an old vagrant etc.
WARNING May contain nuts, (Horses Nuts, Vagrants Nuts etc etc.)
This will remove the potential for the weary consumers to legally protest.
No more shall we hear the likes of the following complaint letter ever again.
Letter of Complaint 1
Dear Sir
I am writing to convey my dissatisfaction of one of your products purchased not 24 hr earlier.
With the knowledge that my dear old mother was to visit my home for some Sunday Dinner, I decided that such a joyous occasion would merit a special meal using only food of the highest calibre. No scrimping on cost, only the best for a lady of 92 years who still has all her own teeth.
After much consultation with the rest of the family and browsing your on line shop, the dish was agreed. I subsequently completed my order via the web and awaited delivery.
The following morning the delivery arrived ahead of schedule, at this point I would have complimented you on such a speedy delivery service, however what followed next reminded me that I should have recognised the warning signs earlier.
When I remarked on the speed of the delivery vehicle, your driver replied with a somewhat wry sideways smile, that, and I quote: "You'd be amazed at the horse power contained in that van Sir!"
A flippant remark which didn't register at the time but, seems somewhat poignant now!
I took the ingredients including this fine expensive meat joint, into the kitchen where my trustee oven had been eagerly waiting to welcome its new arrival into the warmth of its preheated oasis.
NB: This I must point out, the oven in question is my replacement oven, finally received after several months of complaints to your electronics department. I refer you to my correspondence of the 5th of June 2011, under the heading of
"Fan Assisted Tumble Dryer With Grill!"
Though resolved now, I must add that my poor wife is still on the medication and we never did retrieve her girdle!
But I digress...back to the point in hand.
After what seemed like hours and 1 whole packet of plasters later, I finally succeeded in removing the somewhat impossible packaging with the help of a rather rusty Stanley Knife and a few nips of Sherry for my trouble,
I was about to cover this larger than expected meat joint with my special home made herb infused glaze, which now, in hindsight would have been more suitable if the Olive Oil had been replaced with Linseed Oil!
I noticed that the joint had a wonderful bronzed coating to it and therefore, I presumed, was ready seasoned and basted. I therefore proceeded to open the oven door, which again I must say is easier to use now that I do not have to wait for the 'drying cycle' to complete before the door unlocks.
I refer you once again to my previous letters ."Thermostat problem?: White wash comes out Pink in the middle!" And I must point out your comment re, Specsavers was most uncalled for!
As the joint was somewhat larger and of an odd shape, I had to remove all shelves first and then squeeze the beast in. Which I must add could only be done with the help of my elderly mother.
Though we succeeded, it was only much later that I realised the reason for her sudden stoop in posture, was not caused by the onset of a mini stroke, but actually due to her plastic hip having actually melted and become bent due to her close proximity to the oven whilst assisting me earlier.
Anyway, as per the cooking instructions, 2.5hrs passed by somewhat quickly helped in no short way by my consumption of half a bottle of sherry and watching mother walking round in a somewhat constant small circle due to the malfunctioning hip implant.
At last the bell of the oven heralded the completion of our dinner preparations. I removed he joint from the oven, trembling under the sheer weight of it I nearly collapsed.
If it was not for my mother passing by, fortunately having moved closer to the kitchen.
Only after completing 436 mini doughnut turns and removing 4mm of laminate layers from the now worn down wood flooring in the process.
I was able to rest the oven tray on her back, as her spine now stands at a handy 45 degrees from the horizon.
This I may add caused her no noticeable pain or suffering due to the loss of feeling caused by her sciatic nerve fusing to her molten hip hours earlier.
The slight warmth she did feel from the bubbling hot tray actually may have eased the muscle around her lower spine, so every cloud as they say...
At last with table adorned with all manner of finery including the best china, the Sunday best silver cutlery and striped fabric napkins, we all sat down to eat.
I must point out that striped napkins would not have been my first choice but was all we had following the damage caused by the new rapid dryer unit we purchased last year.
I refer you to my previous letter.
Table Top Dryer Unit: No settings for napkins, will the option for crumpets suffice?
I must protest at this stage that the use of the phrase 'Short Sighted Baffoon' in your reply was not helpful. and your comment that 'everyone knows' Breville are famous for their Sandwich Toasters was condescending, we are not all experts on the history of manufacturers and their electric goods.
Not to be sidetracked again....
Dinner was served, though to say carving was somewhat difficult would be an understatement! I had to resort to using the new Black and Decker Veg Trimmer.
A very powerful utensil which is a great addition to the kitchen knife draw, that is it would be if it could fit, as being much larger than it looked in your catalogue.
It has to be stored in the shed! I refer you to a separate letter on this item which will follow in due time.
I commenced carving, not without incident, I hit a few snags when cutting through what I presumed were bones and assisted by my somewhat blurred vision courtesy of a newly opened bottle of sherry. It resulted in one cracked window and a broken hearing aid, caused by a ricochet hitting mother in the left ear. But I persevered and we managed to plate up and at last tuck into this delightful meal.
Though be it via somewhat unconventional seating arrangements. Mother sitting on table with her dinner plate on the chair due to the ever changing angle of her curved spine, the wife ate her dinner in the ball pond on the patio due to disorientation caused mainly by increasing her medication as the day wore on.
What happened next I can only summarise due mainly to my memory becoming a tad foggy which I can only put down to being a mixture of 1.5ltrs of consumed sherry and the inhalation of diesel fumes from the Veg Trimmer!
Dinner, it may shock you to discover was a disaster! I am complaining to you not as a result of the unsuitable electric items I have purchased from your web site, not because my wife refuses to leave the ball pond and is now consuming thrice the medication she used to.
Not because my poor mother is now deaf in one ear, has one leg larger than the other and has such a deformed frame that we need 2 nurses and a spirit level to dress her, not because I am now a raging alcoholic with craving for sniffing exhaust pipes, but,
BUT! Because your labelling on your meat produce if unacceptable, the ingredients stated are not what was contained within!
When I purchase a 'Saddle of Lamb I do not expect to be roasting the 'Saddle off a Dam'.
When it states the source is from 'Herds grazed on heather' I do not expect to see 'The words Dobbin emblazoned on leather!'
When your produce claims to be the high end quality option, I expect this to be like 'Tescos Finest Branded Range' and not as I discovered Fresco's Finest Equine Branded on the Range!!'
I therefore expect a refund for the food purchased and the cost of a set of dentures for mother, as her original 'own teeth' we last seen flying out the window towards the dogs kennel after she took an almighty bite into the saddle. I fear we will never retrieve these now the dog has took a liking to them.
Yours Frustratedly
Mr Bewildered
Northants.
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